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Parenting is hard work, at the best of times. Knowing what desicions are best in the moment can be extremely difficult and daunting espcially since children are not born with a guide book! I have seen it all in my 20 years of teaching and supporting all kinds of families; the good, the bad, and the UGLY! One thing is true for every single family I have worked with...they are doing their absolute best with what information they have at the time.
'Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better'
~Maya Angelou
There is always something more to learn about parenting and children's development. There is always someone who seems to have it 'figured out' better than you. The truth is, they don't have it all 'figured out' because parenting situations always are shifting and it may all turn upside down in a blink of an eye as our kids grow into another problem. As parents, our strategies need to evolve as our children grow and find new challenges in each stage of development.
Having a few concrete, steady and positive parenting practices in place throughout your child's entire childhood, will help alleviate some of the drastic affects of those flucuations of parenting. Pit falls and bumps will still happen along the way; they are ineviatble and natural. But having a plan in place, positive pillars for your parenting techniques, help the falls from being so low and prevents them from turning into something more permanent.
Here are my top 4 parenting practices to help families create a more zen life for themselves and their children, as well as fostering and maintaining a deep connection to your child.
#1 Self Care
As a parent, it is cruticial to have your own self care practice. Taking time each and every day to reconnect with yourself and essentially 'fill your own bucket' with activities that honour who you are aside from all of your roles and responsibilities, is imperative to staying connected with your inner self. Yoga is my avenue of choice, but it is not the be all, end all. Other avenues of daily solo time may work best for you; jogging, walking, meditating. Having a regular outlet to escape to and a practice to regularly just feel like 'you', not always 'mom', is so important to both the parent and the child. Children thrive best when they have role models who display their own self respect and self worth and self comfort in knowing who they are and showing how to take care of ones' self as a priority. It is not what children see or watch that determines their belief system, it is the environment they are immersed in day-to-day.
#2 Being Present
With all of the technology and demands being thrown at us throughout our day, this is a tricky one in this current world we all live in. Carving out times when everyone unplugs and stops the 'doing' will help all family members to reconnect to eachother. Choosing to unplug during daily dinner time, bedtime, or whatever time works with your schedule and being consistent with that routine will allow for those natural conversations and bonds to be nurtured. Research by Jaak Panksepp, a neuroscientist, suggests that we don't have to be present with our children 24/7 but we should give our best energy to 'the most important 9 minutes of a child's day'. These minutes are the first 3 after waking, first 3 after work/school, last 3 before bed. Being really present to listen, ask and just be calm together takes practice, however. Our minds are trained to multitask in this world so it takes a bit of practice to just shut it off.
#3 Knowing & Compassion
Knowing your child's likes, dislikes, friends and fears takes time and attention. Creating a welcoming home for all parts of their lives, as they grow and develop can be challenging, as it is always shifting. Embracing their friendships, getting to know their friends and asking probing questions is a constant prgression. In turn, if you know your child well, and their events or problems they are currrently dealing with, this allows you to be a better protector and advocate.
Here's some great lists of questions to spark probing conversations:
#4 Planning Together
Vacations, road trips or even projects around the house are all the basis of creating memories and special moments. But get the children involved in the planning and choices. Maybe kids choose between 2 options of how to a spend summer evening; beach picnic or playground with pizza. When kids are involved in the process, they feel a part of the process and respected. It helps them feel heard and like they belong,
These ideas are not new nor difficult, in fact they are quite simple shifts. The tricky part is being consistent with all of them sumultaneously and for the long haul. Whether your children are early elementary school aged or high school, every family member wants to feel valued, connected and safe. Creating serenity in the family takes effort, and practice but the payoffs are priceless when it comes to your childrens' well being and mental health.
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