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How much do you love yourself?
Truly, deeply love your soul, your life and your days your thoughts your choices.
True love comes with a price. The cost involves being brutally honest to yourself, vulnerable with your emotions and choosing actions that are aligned with your growth, even when your mind does not always agree. Showing up for yourself from a place of pure love is not easy and has taken me decades to understand and put into action. But like all humans, I am learning as I go and evolving with time. Here are some of the qualities and lessons I have had to acquire, work through and endure to push myself to growth and to a place where I can truly say I love my life, my soul, my body and my journey.
Honesty
Self love and respect requires you to be honest, even when that honesty is a quiet whisper that you have ignored possibly for years. It also requires you to make decisions to show up even when it's uncomfortable and you don't feel 'ready'. True love makes those hard choices and is not always catering to make you feel good. A true friend can be truly honest with you and tell you what needs to be said and the relationship is established that you can hear that critique without getting defensive. The same goes for self love. The truth is sometimes difficult to hear and accept. Being honest is not always easy. Maybe there is a decision that you have been thinking about for months or even years and your heart knows what the 'right" answer is, but your mind is talking you out of it and rationalizing you from taking action on that decision. True self love is shown by honoring those decisions, vocalizing and choosing actions that lead to you living in that truth no matter how difficult the steps may be. Self love includes love for our body, our mind, our soul and our life-all of it. When we can carry out those really difficult decisions to bring us to a place where we feel more aligned with our inner voice, we find the true feeling of peace and joy in our lives.
I struggled with self love, unknowingly for decades. I believed self love was giving myself, my time, my energy to others in my life. I focused my life on taking care of others; my children, my husband, my house, my students, my career, my family. I had never considered adding myself to that list. I don't think I even knew who I was. I was so wrapped up in others needs and desires, I didn't have an awareness of my own needs. No one had ever asked what I needed in order to feel safety and joy or at minimum, cared for. Sure, I made requests for home renos, new clothes or a destination vacay. But I never asked for what I really needed which was just time to connect with Me. I didn't know that was important to my growth as a being. I just wanted more life Check items and goals. I was not honest about what my soul was whispering to me I truly needed.
Vulnerability
‘Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness’ ~Brene Brown
When we feel safe and cared for, we can allow ourselves to be not only honest, but also vulnerable. Honesty is first, followed by a push into the often discomfort quality of vulnerability.
vulnerability: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded; open to attack or damage*
Without honesty, there is not vulnerability. Without vulnerability, there is not concept of what is true and real. Masks, expectations and responsibilities often prevent us from softening enough to let our guard down and expose all of our feelings and beliefs. It is so easy to carry on in a state of comfort surrounded by daily tasks, listening to what we 'should do' or follow what most others are doing. However, being vulnerable and allowing ourselves to feel how we truly feel with no judgement on ourselves is when we get to the spot of connection with our soul.
But what practices do you have to find this state of vulnerability? Where and when do you allow your guard to come down? Do you prioritize you and allow time for any of these emotions to surface safely? How do you process those difficult events in your life? Do you ignore, distract and carry on?
What I have learned in the past 5 years is that you need to create a space and time to feel and deal or work through whatever shows up for you in order to find and connect with your soul. Being vulnerable may not be a skill you were taught growing up. I certainly know from my experiences with childhood, I was not taught how to process big events or discuss and talk out problems. I was taught to 'sweep it under the rug', the 'we don't talk about that' approach and was often shamed with lots of grounding and time outs, which was essentially removal from the environment, sent to solitude when I was acting or choosing differently than what was expected. Emotions were not welcomed, discussed or worked through in a structured manner when I was growing up. I would guess I'm not alone in this experience, as it was not a a societal norm in the 80s to discuss emotions or air out dirty laundry.
As an adult, parent and spiritual person, I now actively create this step or quality in my regular practice. I take time to cry when the emotion arises. I head for walks or hikes solo just to think and process events. I attend counselling and seek advice from those much more versed with psychology and emotions, than I am. Vulnerability is hard and uncomfortable, but oh so necessary to find your way back to your soul-who you were before the world told you how to feel and behave.
Choices/Boundaries
Being able to make decisions is a lifelong skill that takes practice to improve. My choices in the past 5 years of my life have become more calculated, daring and impactful, at times leaving others disappointed or shocked. Some choices are small and some can be larger. Thinking about joining a new gym or fitness class? Or taking on a new diet? Maybe you are contemplating how to deal with an action of a friend that has upset you or feels like a betrayal.
Learning how to make a decision, react and set boundaries has taken lots of practice and self analysis. As well as a boat load of courage and therapy! The most difficult part of this qulaity is vocalizing when my limits are being pushed and sharing my true feelings with others.
Can you recall a time when you walked away from a conversation wishing you had said something differently? Or come up with a great 'come-back' hours later. What if you approached those next encounters as opportunities to exercise your voice and practice being your own 'bodyguard' for your truth and feelings?
What if you were more prepared for those moments when you feel backed in a difficult conversation? If you had spent time dissecting your own beliefs about a topic and came up with 2 really quality, aligned, and respectful ways to be forceful in standing in your truth, you could turn those awkward conversations into practices of boundary setting.
This quality setting boundaries and being comfortable with following my intuition is the one that I spend quite a bit of focus and practice on still.
Self-love is a life long journey and discovery. It is the longest love story of your life.
How much time, effort, thought and analysis do you invest into this relationship?
*taken from www.meriam-webster.com
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