Who Have I Become?

Who Have I Become?

I am Sarah. I am a mom. I am a teacher and a yoga leader. I am a go-getter and hustler. I am determined, independent and a thinker, a creator. But there is more than meets the surface.

These are my strengths and people see them shining. Like an armour, I put these titles on and shine in the bright light with them leading the way. People admire and cheer for me. But this version of Me, this armour, wasn’t a choice or conscious creation. It was born out of survival and necessity. I didn’t choose to become who I am becoming. Every piece of this new me was built out of necessity. It was a promise I made to myself years ago when I was at the bottom. A promise to become someone stronger, bigger and better than I was previously. To become this version of me that was born from my wildest dreams.

I am solo, uno, one.

I am a single mother trying to make ends meet, trying to pull a rabbit out of my hat and give my kids all they need. 

I am a mom to boys that are influenced by forces stronger than me and far, far nastier than any of my horrid nightmares. 

I am surrendering to that realisation, with love for them.

I am a mom making all the decisions on my own, with no support from really anyone, no one to ask or call or run ideas past, no one to ask for help or a favour from. I make each and every decision all alone and often in the moment, with no guidebook or advisors.

I am trying to make sense of the hazy maze of my past so I can see clearer into the future.

I am a woman with no map, no compass, and no guardian angel. I am using my intuition and dreams to lead my path forward out of the past.

I am that yogi spirit that people seek to absorb light from but I’m also that yogi that seeks to be lit up and sparked by inspiration. 

I am a constant goal setter and achiever. I obsess over details and come up with limitless ideas and really, truly believe I can make them a reality. I often do.

I am a woman who sneaks downstairs at midnight in her own house to write her book because she has no time and way too many things to do with this life in the daylight. 

I am a woman driven to grow into my fullest potential and determined to create an influence that is magnificent . I am running towards the open air drop off, ready to leap into the unknown future with no parachute. All because whatever lies ahead in that free fall, must be better than the explosion I ran away from.

I am a dreamer, more than ever before and a believer so deep in my soul. I believe good prevails and karma makes the world right and what is meant for you can not be taken, by any wrong choice or person. 

I am learning to set boundaries and to find joy and balance in my life. 

I am a daughter of a family tree riddled with dysfunctions and unspoken addictions, coming from a sterile home and childhood with too many unspoken elephants to count~most of them generations old. I am growing up from what is left in the non-living roots of this tree, sprouting a new way of being. 

I am a shifter for this family line, a rule breaker, and mould buster. I am made from a formidable force that combines all of my ancestors' deep hopes, forgotten wild ambitions, and takes their glimpses of a better way and ignites them, sets them on fire. I carry with me their fierce presence and all the intuition they cast aside. I will create a nesting, nurturing space to foster something wild and new. I am creating a new improved path for the ones who will follow me. I also carry with me the wounds from my own past and those scars from my bloodline. All of those unspoken words that my past aunts, grandmothers, grandfathers and cousins choose to keep to themselves~I carry those in my deep pockets. I am hurt and carry around my ugly feelings deep deep in my pockets hidden away and tucked out of sight or even from my own acknowledgement. 

I am a wounded woman with pains and heart aches so deep that the bottoms can’t be seen, felt or heard. Even if you are standing next to me. 

I am a strong, sturdy piece of metal being pounded and burned, charred and melted into a new shape that I do not recognize. I didn’t have a choice to be anyone other than who I am becoming, like a piece of moulton steel, flaming red hot, twisting and turning in the fire, at the hand of its creator. The final shape and result is to be determined. I am unknown.  

That is who I am.